A new way to live
by Amy-lee1234
Summary: Spencer have a life-changing experience and she have to readjust herself. A certain brunette will help her in more then a way. First fanfic, give it a shot:)
1. Chapter 1

**Helloo people! That's my first story ever and I don't even speak english, I'm french, so please, be indulgent. I know I will make mistake, but I really wanted to write this story, feel free to correct me...so let me know if you're ready to read it even if there is mistakes. **

**Please reviews :)**

**I do not own SON**

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I woke up staring at the ceiling. Facing the pitch-black room again. I'm so tired of this, exhausted. I stand up from my bed, reaching the wall. I let my hand slide on it to guide me out of my bedroom. I reach the living room without any stumbling. I open the lights, an old habit that I didn't lose I guess, just to meet the darkness again.

Exhausting.

I walked trough the living room to reach the kitchen. I start to make coffee guiding me with the counter and any landmarks that I have made myself during the last eight mouths. I stop and turn my head to face the window. I can feel the heat of the sun on my skin.

I sigh.

You know how you wake up every day, go outside and just passed by everything without really noticing your surrounding just because we take it for granted? Well, you realize how much you like your town, the colors around you or the light of the sun when you can't see it anymore.

What I miss the most? Looking at someone in the eyes. See them, through them. Yeah, I'm that deep.

The last person I was able to look in the eyes was my best friend Madison, just before everything went black, and ironically I would like to erase this image of my head.

**Flashback**

_I'm with Mads in my little car, a red Volkswagen gti 1980, my little baby. The music is blasting from the speakers as we are going through the most bad ass rap song. It's so good to see her. It's been a while because of the university and work and everything. There is so much going on, but we decide that we had to take the time and see each others. And that's exactly what I needed. We've been best friend since forever. So, it's the perfect night and we are heading to a little bar to meet others friends of us, where we gonna be able to catch up._

_" SPENCER!"_

_I barely hear Madison scream my name. I look at her as I hear the sound of metal clash together and glass breaking from everywhere. Everything seems to go in slow motion but so fast at the same time. My eyes never leaves Madison's one and all I can see is fear in those perfect green eyes. _

_Everything go black. _

_I hear the beeping of some machine before I can't feel anything else. The sound seems faraway. But it's more and more near. As the sound becomes clearer, I start feeling my body and I never thought that we could feel so much pain without passing out. It's awful. _

_And then all the images comes to my mind and I panic. I remember the look in Madison eyes and with this only image I want to cry. _

_I try to open my eyes, but it hurt so much and all I see is pure black. I panic even more and jerk my hand over my eyes. I feel and bandage and try to rip it off with all the strength that's left in me. I feel hands trying to stop me._

_" Put that off! please!"_

_" Darling, please calm down, it's gonna be fine." I don't know to who belongs this voice but it soothe me, just knowing that there someone with me. _

_"Where I am?" I ask, even if I know the answer, I just need to be sure. _

_" You're at the hospital, but you're going to be fine I promise."_

_" Where is Madison?"_

_" I don't know, but I will try to get answer Madison who?_

_I don't have time to answer, I hear someone entering the room. _

_" Spencer, honey". It's my mom. I feel her sitting on my bed and brushing some hair off my face. I relax a little more. I reach my hand to the bandage over my eyes. _

_" Mom...what's this" unsure of if I really want to know the answer. She take my hand and squeeze it._

_" Let's just wait for the doctor ok?" _

_How could this perfect night becomes so awfully wrong?_

An hour later, Dr. Harvey came to see me. He wasn't bringing good news with him. He explained to me that during the car accident I received glass in my eyes. He was able to save both of my eyes physically so I would not need any artificial eyes , but the glass had damaged my retina and my optic nerves too much so I couldn't see anymore.

Spencer Carlin, 24 years old I was now blind.

The phone ring putting me out of my memories and the warmth of the sun -Yes people I heard the phone I'm blind not deaf! - I carefully reach the coffee table in the living room where I know exactly where the phone is.

"Hello"

"Hi, Spencer?"

I immediately recognize the voice and my body tense a bit.

" Hey Michelle"

" How you doing?"

"Good I guess"

"Well I got some good news for you darling"

I gulp not really knowing why, I was just suddenly really stress about what she was about to tell me.

" Spencer, darling, you're still there?

" Yeah. Michelle…"

" We found a doctor who is ready to try the surgery Spencer."

My eyes immediately watered and I let out a sob.

" Honey it's going to be fine, please don't cry"

" I…It's just, I have waited for this since what seems like forever."

"I know, well come to the hospital tomorrow ok? Around 9 a.m. I will be waiting for you."

"Sound good" Sound fukcing amazingly good actually. "Thank you"

" See you tomorrow darling"

I can believe this is happening, I will finally have the surgery. I know I shouldn't get too exited so soon, but it's just been so long, too long since I last saw the light.

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**Let me know what you think! I have other chapter ready if you want to read it!:)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy:) Please keep reviewing.**

I walked in the hospital with Glen who sooo nicely accepted to miss work to help his little sister because obviously I can't drive and walk around like before.

I am hit by the familiar smell of disinfectant and the sound of people walking around in a hurry. Mmm so comforting . Not. You would think that growing up with a surgeon mother will help you fight the fear of hospital but no. Not for me, and it's even worse since the accident.

" Haa I loooove hospital" Glen said. " With all the hot nurses!"

" It just suck that your GIRLFRIEND is not one of them, remember, Emily?"

" You're just jealous that you can't see them"

I punched him where I though was his arm but end up being his stomach. Well…not my fault.

"Darling!" I heard from my right.

I don't have the time to turn around that I am wrapped in a hug by a familiar pair of arms.

"Michelle!"

The hospital may be the less comforting place in the world, but with her here, I almost feel like home. She's like the aunt that we all have that like to spoiled you. She's been there for me since the beginning and she would come to see me during her break just to talk, and bring me tasty food from the restaurant in front of the hospital. She told me a lot about her sons. She even tried to fix me a date with one of them until I told her I was gay. She never had any problem with it, and told me that she had some pretty niece too. Gotta love this woman.

" You want to go see Miss Duarte before the Doctor can come see you?"

"Umm, yeah, ok"

I barely came to see her in the past eights months. After the accident, she had serious injuries and fell in a coma. She's been like this since then.

I was scared of coming back in the hospital. That's the reason a give myself and other people who asked. But, deep down, I know there is others reasons. I feel guilty. I was driving the car, that's my fault. I can't blame anyone except myself.

I enter the room with Michelle. I only hear the machine beeping in pace with her heart.

"I got things to do I will leave you two alone, and be back to bring you to the doc, ok?"

" Thanks Michelle."

I walk toward the bed and slide my hand on the edge of her bed until I reach her hand. I take it in mind.

" Hey Mads", my voice's shaking. Put yourself together Carlin. Shit.

I stay like this for a while until I can't take it anymore. Tears falling down my face.

" I'm so sorry Mads, this is all my fault, and just to make things better I don't even come to see you. Who does that! I'm a shitty friend. No scratch that, I'm the worst friend ever on this entire planet."

That was a word vomit here. It kind of make things feel worst and better at the same time.

I sigh.

"I couldn't face the silence, Mads, and not being able to see you. I'm so selfish" I barely whisper.

I don't know for how long I was there but I heard a knock on the door.

" You ready to go? Dr Douglas is ready to see you"

" Yeah let's go"

I squeezed Madison's hand.

"I promise I'll come back. I mean it this time" I kissed her hand and left the room where my best friend has been stuck in.

* * *

" So that is basically it. By changing your retina with a donor we hope that it will make you see again. I want you to know that there is possibility that it won't change anything because, as you know, it's not the only part of your eyes that was touch. There is also a chance that you will be able to see but not completely.

I nod.

" Good, the surgery is fixed for this afternoon so Michelle will take care of the paper work with you before, and she will bring you to your bedroom"

"Thank you so much Dr Douglas."

" No problem Miss Carlin."

" So this is your room for the next days or weeks darling" Michelle says entering the room.

I whistle .

" Wow it looks nice!"

Blind jokes. What! I adapt myself!

Michelle let out a laugh. I smile. I hear someone entering the bedroom and I'm immediately drown by the smell. You know how they say that when you lose one sense the others tend to develop and become more effective**. **It use to annoys me. A lot. Everything seems to smell more, the good and unfortunately the BAD smell. My touch is more sensible which is really annoying when there is a lot a people around you. Same for the sounds around me, Glen sometimes tease me about it. He said that I'm like a ninja.

But at this very moment I'm so grateful. Being able to smell this perfume better than anyone else. A mixed between roses and fruits.

I know they say that smell is a sense of evocation. That it often brings you back some memories. But honestly, this time, it doesn't. It's a new perfume.

I was put out of my thought by a laughing Michelle.

"So Speenncerrr..." Shit, she only say my name like this when she caught me doing something. " This is my trainee Ashley Davies."

" Nice to meet you, I will be helping Michelle to take care of you after the surgery" that must be Miss Davies speaking.

And Oh - my - god! I think my heart just stop here. This voice has to be the more beautiful voice on earth.

I extend my hand.

" Sp-Spencer, Spencer Carlin."

" Yeah that's what I read" she says launching a bit. The most graceful music I ever heard. What the fuck is wrong with me. Relax Carlin. Jeez.

Well guys, it's been a while that I didn't…you know…get laid, so I have an excuse at least.

" So Ashley, you want to explain to Miss Carlin here the procedure for her surgery, please."

I can hear a funny tone in Michelle voice, I hope she didn't catch my sudden change of mood. I would never hear the end of it.

" Well, Miss Carlin, it's pretty simple, some technician will come to pick you and they will bring you the operating room, obviously you are going to be asleep for the surgery. Then they gonna bring you back in your room for your wake and Michelle and me are gonna take care of you. We will not know right after if the surgery succeed or not it's gonna take a while before we will be able to put off the bandage. Do you have any questions before the technician arrives?"

I can hear the smile in her voice, she seems like a nice person. But she kind of lost me when she said that she'll be taking care of me. And that's kind of weird cause I never saw her. For all I know she could be some kind of ugly and not sexy girl with a drowning scent and marvelous voice. Who knows.

" Hum no, no questions, Thank you Ashley."

" Good, well if you're ready darling, the techs are gonna bring you, how do you feel?"

She put her hands on my shoulder.

" I honestly don't know, I'm stress, excited, happy but scared at the same time , I'm kind of a mess right now. " I let out a nervous laugh.

" And that's completely normal, Spencer, you wait for this for so long."

"Yeah, thanks Mich." I sigh." Let's do this then."

I lay in the stretcher and already feel it moves. I feel someone squeezing my hand and I can swear it's not Michelle.

" See you after Miss Carlin." Ashley say to me. She makes hospital strangely more bearable.

Even if I could, I wouldn't plan to go anywhere else.


	3. Chapter 3

Helloo guys! Thanks you so much again for the reviews, it means a lot! Here's the next one...I'm not sure of this one. I know exactly where I want this story to go I'm just not sure how to go there yet. Everything can change anyway...so let me know what you think, good or bad. AND ENJOY!

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I wake up, I feel sore. It's not really a surprise. But my head and eyes hurt so much.

" How do you feel darling"

"Painful" it's all that come out of my mouth in a husky voice.

" I'm gonna get Ashley to give you some painkiller."

Ashley enters the room.

" So you're in a little pain uh?"

I just nod. I don't know why but I don't really trust my voice right now.

" It's normal, everything went well by the way, but we're not sure when we gonna be able to put the bandage off, it will depend on Dr Douglas. For the pain don't worry I'm taking care of this."

I hear her going through stuff.

" I'm giving you painkiller by intravenous injection in your solute, which is quick-acting. You gonna feel dizzy and maybe nauseous. But believe me, you're gonna feel sooo good, but don't get use to this tough cause it's only for today, after it's going to be pills. We don't want Miss Carlin to get addict to strong painkiller."

I hear the smile in her voice and I wish that I could see it.

" There you go Spencer. You're gonna feel better like..."she takes a pause."Now."

And she's right. She's also right about the sooo good part. My body relax immediately and I feel like I'm hovering. I also feel dizzy but I really don't care. I kind of feel like I'm fact that she just call me Spencer for the first time didn't go unnoticed either.

" Feeling better?"

" Soooo much Ashley...you smell gooood." OK, I wasn't suppose to said that out loud, but like I said I kind of feel like I'm drunk so I guess I kind of act like it as well.

She laugh.

"Thank you Miss Carlin"

And I fall asleep with the sound of her beautiful laugh. I probably gonna regret this when I will wake up.

I wake up couples of hours later from my so peaceful nap.

I hear Michelle laughing.

"Hey Mich." My voice still husky.

"Good morning darling, how are you felling?"

Guess I slept more than I thought

"Better, little sore and my eyes still hurt."

"Good, I will give you some painkiller, you slept the whole night so you didn't have any so it's normal that it hurts".

" Your mom came yesterday, but I told her you were asleep, so she probably gonna come back today."

" Ok, good, what the two of you doing in my room when I'm asleep, chilling like good old days Mich?"

" Yeah, best time of the day darling, and I told Ashley this habit of mine and she joins me...hope you don't mind."

I pretend to think.

" Well, since she made me feel so much better yesterday I guess that she can stay."

The double meaning wasn't on purpose. I swear. Ok maybe...

" Yeah and since she smell sooo good..." Michelle laugh hard.

I feel myself blushing. Like really blushing. I knew I would regret it.

" You heard that uh? Well, I was under strong painkiller, so you know, not my fault."

"What do you mean Spencerrr, you don't think I smell good? I'm gonna act like I'm not offend by that..."

She said that in a voice that a can quite describe, I just know that I like it. A lot.

Michelle clear her throat. She probably giving a look to Ashley because she walk out the room saying that her break was over.

" Here your painkiller"

"Thanks Michelle."

I sigh.

" What's going on Spencer?"

"I'm already bore and I can't wait to see if the surgery succeed, you know I try not to be so hopeful but it's hard."

" I know darling, but we don't have other choice then to wait, you need to heal a bit before, and for the boredom Ashley and me are gonna try to come as often as we can during our break ok?"

" Yeah thanks Mich, what would I do without you? I would certainly be less embarrassing."

She laugh.

"That was pretty funny." NO it wasn't "I already knew it anyways, I saw your face when she came into the room the first time."

" Well she just have a nice scent, it's weird when I said it out loud, I feel like in True blood, attracted by the smell, it's kind of wrong...not that I'm attracted or anything..."

Nicely played there Spencer.

"Haha you're like Eric or Bill..."

Yeah so wrong.

And I suddenly remember something.

" Hey Mich, would you help me to go see Madison please?"

" Of course darling, I will go get a wheelchair."

* * *

"There you go darling. I will let you two alone."

"Thanks Mich"

I search for Mads's hand. I always take her hand in mine the rare time that I come. It kind of create a link, you know.

" Hey Mads."

I hate it. I never know what to say. It hurt cause I ALWAYS have something to say to her relevant or not. But now, there's nothing coming up. Maybe I just need to get use to it. Slowly. If that's ever possible.

" I got a surgery yesterday, maybe I will see again. I can't wait to find out."

I squeeze her hand.

" There is this girl, she's Michelle's trainee. It's absurd I never saw her, obviously. It's nothing though, you know. I don't know her either. She just smell good and have a beautiful voice." I laugh saying the last part.

" There's something about her though, like an energy or something." I laugh a little again. " It's stupid."

I don't know if I'm talking about Ashley or the fact that I feel like I'm talking alone. Maybe both.

It scare me to not feel comfortable around Madison. I try not to cry to not make the pain worse.

" I"m sorry Mads, so sorry. It's my fault if your stuck here. I will never forgive myself. You know sometimes I wish to never see again. I see it like a punishment, but it doesn't make anything better. Even trying to punished myself didn't make me feel better. Now I know that my guilt will be my bigger punishment. Mads you need to wake up, I need you."

I'm fully crying now and my eyes hurts so much but I don't care.

I heard someone clearing her throat behind me, and I know it's Ashley. I turn toward her.

" Sorry didn't mean to intrude, but your mom is here so I thought that maybe you would like to see her since you didn't saw her after the surgery..."

I squeeze Madison hand give it a kiss.

" Yeah let's go"

I know this block of the hospital by heart now so I know we are just about to walk in my room, but Ashley stops. She kneeled in front of me and brush her finger on my face to erase any trace of tears.

" Just so you won't have to explain." she say simply.

And I'm so grateful right now.

I whisper a thank you and we enter the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Heello guys!Thanks for the reviews, sorry it's been a little longer than usual, but here's the next one. A lighter one, hope you like this one.

Elke85: Your french is really good, je suis impressionnée, j'aime lire tes commentaires en français! Merci :)

Enjoy!

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Everything went well with my mom, well, as good as it can go with Paula Carlin. Don't get me wrong I love my mom, but we're just so different. And the difference has increased since I told her I was gay. I can't say that she accept it neither that she understand it, I think that she's kind of trying to ignore it. Like if the gay Spencer was a different person that she don't know and don't want to. She want me to still be her little girl. I don't get it cause this i who I am, but for her I try not to bring my sexuality too often. Not because I feel guilty or a shame it, but because I want to keep my mom, you know?

Because she use to have plans for us. She wanted me to follow her footsteps and become a surgeon, I had the grades, but not the passion for it, which saddens her. She use to see me married to an honest man who would take care of me and have a good job. The perfect man to raise the perfect family. The perfect family that she never had, as much as she tried. Even if she knows that it won't happen I know she still think about it and nourish hope. And this is what saddens me, and on my side I try to ignore the feeling of disappointing her. That's how our relationship works. It sad really.

I know she have walls, everyone does, me the first. So she's probably proud of her kid, but I just wish she could stop wanting what she don't have and see what she does actually have. I don't think I'm a bad kid, neither is Glen, we're just not what she wanted us to be. Does that make us wrong?

I also know that she's sad even if she's trying to play the perfect little mother. My dad left to go and I quote "find himself" here and there in the world after Clay has been shot. It was nothing like him to left his family behind, but you know sometimes, things happen and that makes you change. He changes. I change. Just not the same events, and reasons.

Well enough about my family now.

Someone enter my room. It's Ashley. How do I know? I just do. Like I know when it's Michelle. They have different ways to enter a room. Michelle is kind of noisy, and happy and all her steps are heavier and faster, describing a woman with experience. When Ashley's seems more graceful and peaceful. Like she don't want anyone to heard or to be notice, but she still confident.

" Mmm smells good"

She laugh " Thanks, but maybe you don't reminder but you already told me that"

" I was talking about the food Ashley…."

"M-hm, of course, sooorry." She said laughing "Want some? It's a some Thai rice with…"

"Pineapple chicken, I know. It's my favorite."

She brings me a tray. With a plate of my favorite food.

" Here."

" Thanks"

She takes the seat beside the bed.

" So, who is Spencer Carlin?"

Wow pretty direct.

" Well, she is a 24 years old woman, blind, who is currently waiting to see again. You're turn, who is Ashley Davies?"

Clever I know.

She chuckles. " Wait it's not a satisfying answer."

" You must content yourself with this for now. Go ahead."

"Alright then, I'm Ashley Davies, 23, aspiring nurse."

I know she's trying not to laugh.

" That's it?"

"M-hm"

" Allllright, fair enough. Ready? ok, I wanted to be a photographer, my favorite color is green, favorite movie Silver Lining, but it changes all the time so it would probably becomes a lie, favorite books don't know there's too many, favorite food you already know and favorite animal would probably be... turtle, you wanted the cliché favorite things there you go." I say in one breath. "Anything else?"

I laugh, but she doesn't. I hope I didn't offend her.

" Wanted?"

" What?"

" You said you WANTED to be a photographer?"

I'm surprise to see that she seems genuinely interested. I'm not use to people stopping at details. Especially details about random things about me.

" Yeah wanted, you know since…I'm blind now, do you know any blind photographer?"

She doesn't answer, she's probably thinking.

" No Ashley, you don't, cause there's none."

I didn't mean to sound harsh, but it still a sensitive subject. She doesn't sound offended though.

" Still I think that if you really want it then you can. And there's chance that you will see again you know."

" Yeah..."

I heard this phrase so many times. I want to believe it, I want to be hopeful and be strong enough to achieve anything I want. But what if I don't even believe in it in the first place?

" You have to believe in yourself Spencer, nobody is gonna do it for you. That's the beauty of it."

" Ok, that's way to deep for lunchtime."

That's always too deep. I had to mourn a way to live, a part of me. That is what people don't seems to understand everything is different now. She puts me out of my thoughts.

" Any boyfriend?"

I like how she's easy-going and how every things seems so simple.

"Nope. I'm gay."

" Any girlfriend then?"

I also like the fact that her tone doesn't change, there's no tension or hesitation it's just the next obvious question.

" Nope."

There's a silence between us. A comfortable one, that I enjoy since I didn't really had the time to taste my food with all that talking. And I take my food pretty damn seriously.

"Turtle uh?, really?"

I shrug. There's another silence.

And we just start laughing together. Everything seems so natural with her.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey! Thanks again for the review, the favs and follows, means a lot. This chapter is an important one, and I know things are going slow between Spencer and Ashley but it needs to be like this. I love the build up the most, but I promise that there will be things happening between the them soon. :) Keep reviewing please!

ENJOY!

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_2 days later_

I'm really bore now. It's been 5 days that I have been stuck here. Ashley and Michelle 's time makes it better though. Ashley and me get on very well. When I got over the fact that she have the most enjoyable scent and that when she talk it's like music to my ears - I didn't totally got over it, let's say that I handle it better now- She's a nice and funny person that I like to spend time with at the hospital. Nothing more nothing less.

" Hey Michelle"

"Hello Spencer"

"How's my favorite nurse?"

"Am I really your favorite?" she sounds suspicious. Well I never really was able to hide things from her so I guest it's normal.

" Yes, of course"

" Well I plan to be the best nurse ever cause I'm bringing good news darling."

" Really? Is it today?"

"Yes"

I take a moment.

"Wow, ok."

" How do you feel?"

Damn, I don't know. It's like I didn't process the whole thing yet. That maybe today in a few hours I would maybe be able to see again. Be able to enjoy the light, the sun and everything that I miss so much. But on the oder side maybe it didn't work. Shit.

" What if it didn't work Mich?"

"Try not to think to much darling, the outcome is out of your control, so we'll just all hope for the best ok?"

" Yeah, you're right."

She rubs her hand on my back.

" Dr Douglas will come see you soon. I'll be here and Ashley too. Do you want to call your mom."

" No it's find, she had to do an important surgery today, I'll call her after."

I know she's right and all, but I can't stop myself to make scenarios in my head.

* * *

The wait is endless. I feel like I have wait a whole week when Dr Douglas enter my room.

" Hi Miss Carlin."

"Dr Douglas."

" So you're excited?"

"Nervous, mostly."

" Yes, that's understandable. Does it still hurt?"

"Sometimes, but it's way better."

"Good."

I hear Michelle and Ashley entering the room. But they keep quiet.

" You're ready?"

"As ready as I will ever be."

My heart is beating so fast, like my heart is trying to get out of my chest. I can believe this is happening. I imagine this moment so many times.

"Michelle can you hand me the scissors please."

There we go.

He starts cutting the bandage off. I feel the cold metal of the scissors on my skin and images of the accident come to my mind.

_I hear the sound of metal clash together and glass breaking from everywhere. Everything seems to go in slow motion but so fast at the same time._

" Can you go close the light please. The light will be blinding to her. We will just keep this little reading lamp."

I feel the fabric of the bandage getting off of my eye. I feel the air on my skin. There's nothing preventing me from seeing anymore but I keep my eyes close. I'm so scared. It's a turning point. I'm not sure if I have the strength to go through everything again. If I will be able to face what reminds me everyday that I almost killed my best friend.

I feel a hand in mine entwining our fingers. Ashley's fingers.

" You need to open your eyes Spencer."

There's one single tear running down my face. I take a deep breath.

And another one.

I slowly open my eye. It's almost feel weird. I'm hit by the lack of light. But I remember they close the lights.

I look around to see if I can meet anyone's eyes, and I realize that I never saw one single person in this room, but I still know them. It's a weird feeling.

I don't know how to feel as the realization come to me.

It still pitch-black, I don't see the light or anything else.

There's nothing.

I'm still blind as fuck.

Still fucking exhausting.

It's when your hope are shattered on the ground that you realize how much you had faith in them. How much you believed in them.

They say that the higher you go the more painful the drop is. It's the first time that I completely and deeply understand this sentence.

I feel sick.

I feel like everything around me has stop. My world is falling apart. Again. Like my life and future are taking away from me for a second time. I don't have a say to what is happening to me.

It's an awful feeling to not have any control over your life.

Despite all those feelings I just let out an other single tear. It's a lot of pressure for one tears to carry out all those emotions.

I don't let my walls down. Never.

I need to be strong. But for who? Me? Them? My mom? I don't know but I know that I can't break down.

Michelle is hugging me but I don't feel any warmth. I feel cold. Like the first time. I feel empty and exhausted.

" Spencer, I'm sorry darling."

"Don't Mich, it's fine. You said it yourself the outcome was out of our control it's nobody's fault."

I surprise myself at how calm I sound, when in the inside it feel like a big chaos.

" How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine Michelle, it's gonna be alright. It's not like I really had my hopes up. I knew it was a possibility and I have faith that they will find something else one day to make me see again."

Lie.

Lie.

Lie.

I was so hopeful, I knew it was a possibility but all the scenario in my head had an happy ending and I don't have faith anymore. My faith left as soon as I open my eye.

I just don't want them to worry about me. And I surely don't need the "it's gonna be ok, you gonna be find" and all those sentences cause I don't believe in any of them.

I'm throw back eight months ago, and it's the most painful drop ever.

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Thanks for reading:)


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoy writing it.

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" Hey mom, I just wanted to tell you that the Doc cut my bandage off today, but it didn't work. I'm fine though so don't worry, call me back when you can. Bye."

She's probably still in surgery. But even if she was here it wouldn't change anything. It would maybe even make things worst. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me.

I'm still feeling like I'm disconnected. Like I'm on autopilot. I don't need my mom to ask me question.

I don't know if it's because the news didn't hit me yet, but I don't feel anything except emptiness.

Like the scars that were slowly heeling since eights months, were cut open again and that my soul just decide to leave by the hole that the pain create.

I'll just call Glen to ask him to pick me up and bring me back home. It's always easier with Glen.

It ring and it finally go to the voicemail. I hang up.

"Glen where are you when I need you?"

Ashley enter the room at the same time.

"Everything's fine?"

"Um yeah, my brother just won't answer his phone, but I'll just call a cab."

"What? No that's a nonsense. You know what? I'll give you a lift. I'm done for the day anyway."

"No Ashley. It's fine really, you don't have to."

I don't want anyone around. Even her. I just want to go home without talking and thinking. I just want to go to sleep and sleep forever.

" I propose it to you so I obviously want to. Come on take your things. Did you got your discharge yet?"

I nod. By her tone I know that she won't give up. I don't have the energy to fight so I guess I'll just go with her then. Ultimately, I just really want to get out of here.

"Let's go then."

She guide me in the hospital until we reach her car.

" What kind of car do you have?"

" A black porch Cayman, it's my baby."

I whistle.

"Wow, I wanna be a nurse too."

"Well my dad kind of bought it to me."

" Daughter of rich parents uh? Can I drive?"

Her breath stops. I feel her tense.

"Relax Ash it's a joke."

She let out the breath that she was holding and laugh a little, I laugh along with her but mine 's not sincere, I'm not sure if hers is either.

She help me with my things and to enter her car. I give her my address and she enter it in her GPS. She put some music on and we leave.

Maybe she senses my mood or she just know, but the ride is in silence except for the music playing in the background. I try to sing along, to pretend like I'm fine. I don't know you I'm trying to fool cause the heart's just not there.

Sometimes when the car stops at a red light, I can feel her eyes on me, but mine never leave the front window. It's not like I can look at her, but I don't want her to be able to look at me. Read me and see that no matter what I say I'm really not that fine. I can't take that risk, not with her. I don't want to have to push her away too.

We arrive at my apartment, she stops the car.

" I'll help you with your things"

She get out of the car and I do the same.

We enter my block. My apartment is on the third floor and I know the path by heart now. At first, it's was hard, just trying to reach my own place was complicated and tiring. I fell so many times. I once even contemplate to just remains on the steps until someone come helping me. I remember crying so many times on those steps. I was just so frustrated, depressed, but I finally just stand up and continue to stumble to my apartment.

Some people would call that strength and determination.

I call that having a pride.

I let my hand slide on the banister and I count the floors. Ashley is following me and she don't seems to mind the slow pace. I stumble a bit and she's fast to be next to me and help me. I try to ignore her hand on the small of my back, but I don't think that it's possible.

We arrive on my floor and I let my hand slide on the wall counting the doors until we reach mine. It's all a routine now.

I take my keys in my purse and touch the door knob and the lock to be able to unlock my door. She doesn't propose to help and I'm glad.

My mom and Glen use to ask me if I needed help all the time, they still do it, I know they really just want to help, but it's already enough frustrating not being able to see, that I don't need people to make me feel like I can't do anything.

I open my door and turn toward Ashley. I should ask her if she wants to come in. I should cause that's the polite thing to do and her company is normally enjoyable, but I want to be alone. She doesn't let me think about it too long though.

"Can I come in? or you gonna let me stay in the hallway?"

I can't say no to her. First it's Ashley that we are talking about and second she help me so much. Not just now, but the whole week.

"Yeah, sure." I said a little against heart.

We both enter my apartment.

" This is my place, small but comfy. There's only one rule in this place: don't change anything from their original place except if you want me to stumble over something and die hitting my head on the floor, which I hope you don't."

"Understood."

"Good, do you want a coffee or I have beer?"

" I'm craving for a coffee actually"

I walk toward the kitchen which is right beside the living room.

I start my so repeated dance, letting my hand slide on every counter and handle that I recognize so much now.

I know Ashley is looking at me. Her eyes are burning me.

"Can you stop doing that please?"

"Um what?" she seems caught off guard. It's a first.

"Observing my every moves."

"Sorry, it's just fascinate me the way you manage to move around so easily."

"Well, this is the result of many months of practice."

I hand her her coffee.

"Thanks."

" You want to go sit on the balcony enjoying the view?"

"Um, ok"

I know it made her uncomfortable. But that's the kind of thing I use to say so I NEED to do the same or I'll just fall into a place that I don't want to go again. And I'm so close already. Almost on the edge.

We sit on the floor of the balcony our back on the wall and facing what I remember being an amazing view.

She sigh. I'm not sure why.

"How are you doing Spence?" She really seems to care. I know she does. But I really don't want to talk about it. To make everything be about me.

"I'm alright, How are YOU doing, you work a lot?"

" Why are you doing this Spence?"

"Doing what?"

I know exactly what she means and at this very moment I know I never fooled her.

" Acting like you don't care, like it's nothing. That would be a normal reaction to cry Spencer. To break down, you know."

She hits exactly where it hurts the most, and for the first time, I feel like letting everything go. She understand it, she saw crystal clear into my game, into me.

"I can't." My voice sound calm, but I feel like it's a matter of time.

"Why?"

"I just can't ok."

"You can tell me Spence, you don't need to be like this with me."

"Being like what? don't pretend that you know me like an open book cause you don't Ashley."

It hurts to have to talk to her like that. She's been nothing but good to me. But it's kind of a self-defense that kick in automatically when I feel vulnerable.

" Being exactly like that, having walls and pushing me, I know I don't know you that much, but you know you can trust me, you just don't want to. I don't know if it's because you're afraid that I could hurt you or you're just scared that if you start opening up you won't be able to close yourself again."

Why does she have to be so right all the time.

I hesitate to tell her, cause once it's said you can't take it back and it make things incredibly more real and painful. But there just something about her…I sigh.

" If I break down, I'm scared that I won't be able to stand up again." My voice is shaking now.

It's not much. It's just the beginning of all the thing I could say. But I have to start somewhere.

I've never been this open about this with anyone before and it feels good in a weird kind of way.

She put her arm around my shoulder, I let my head lean on her shoulder.

" I'll be there for you to hang on ok?"

And this is the straw that broke the camel's.

It start by one. And an other one until my face (and Ashley shirt) is covered by tears.

I cry, and cry.

I cry for Madison, I cry for me, I cry for my mom, for my dad and Clay. I let out everything that I left lock inside of me for so many years.

And she just rub my back. No "it's gonna be fine, you gonna be alright". No, she let me fall, fall in the bottom and really break down, but with the promise to help me pick up all the pieces after.

I don't know how long we stay there, but at some point I feel myself being held to stand up.

She take me inside and she lay on the couch. I follow her. She's half sit, her back on the armrest. She let me lay my head on her stomach, her legs each side of me, my side to her front. I fall asleep like this.

I wake up the next morning thinking that I haven't slept this good in a long time. I can feel the heat of the sun coming from the windows on my skin and my body moving in pace with Ash's breathing. I cried myself to sleep yesterday and she never left me.

I'm still between the wonderful world of dreams and the hard reality when, without thinking, I start doing patterns on Ash's stomach with my finger. Her muscle tense a bit.

As soon as I do this, I can feel one of her hand playing in my hair, the other one still holding me and brushing my shoulder. It send millions of goosebumps covering my body and a shiver going down my spine. An amazing feeling that I didn't feel in quite some times.

" Hey"

Her voice, already amazing, is even more husky when she just woke up, and it sounds fucking unbelievable.

"Morning"

I' m surprise to even be able to let out one word.

" How are you feeling?"

" I don't really know, but I'm better. Did you slept alright?"

"Yeah, just a little sore. Sorry to break it to you but your couch is not the most comfortable one."

I chuckle.

"Sorry"

I try to get off of her so she could move, but her arms held me right in my place. So I just stay like this and I really don't mind. I think I could stay like this for a really long time.

" Am I like your apartment?"

"What!?"

I'm confuse, did she just compare herself to my apartment.

"You know, small but comfy."

I start laughing, and she's fast to follow me. I hear it and feel it and this time it's genuine.

" Yeah, definitely."

She let me fall yesterday, and maybe she will again, but I know she will be there after. I use to think it was impossible to open up like this to someone. That it was dangerous. But I did.

I didn't just fall to the bottom, I think I also fall a little bit for her. And I use to think that it was even more dangerous. But I did. And for now, it just feel good.

And I'm really glad that I let her in yesterday. In more than a way.

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Tanks for reading!:)


	7. Chapter 7

Hellooo:) I'm sorry for the wait. I really had trouble writing this one and still not sure about it. Please let me know what you think it's encouraging to read your comments and I enjoy reading you! Thanks for reading.

ENJOY

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I'm awake by the beautiful sound of my cell phone ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey I have a day off today, so I'm coming to see you ok?"

I find the fact that she sound like she's asking me funny, cause I know that even if I say no she's probably at my doorstep.

" Actually I'm almost there."

See. I never have a choice with my mom.

" Alright, I guess I will get up then."

My doorbell ring.

I sigh, and walk to the door.

"Hi mom."

"Honey."

She enter, kiss me on the forehead and walks towards the kitchen. I follow her.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine, you?

" Tired, I work so much.

"Yeah, I guess."

" That's why I haven't call you back the other day, I'm sorry."

"Its alright, don't worry. You want a coffee?."

" Yes please, but I can do it."

" No, it's ok."

She takes place at the table.

I start making coffee, but I feel her looking at me and the mood changes. I can feel a tension building up. Like she's impatient. I hear her stand up and walk toward me. She try to take the mug that's in my hand.

" Let me, Spence, I'll do it." Her voice is soft, but I can hear her impatience.

"No mom really it's fine. Just go sit down."

She take the mug anyway and I let always win anyways. But she didn't think I would let go, so the mug just end up on the floor. Broken. There's an uncomfortable silence.

" Why don't you want me to help you?" she say in a sigh.

" Cause I can do it myself! If you find that it's too long then just go to Starbuck! It's like you can't stand to see me doing things."

" You sound like a child Spencer, really mature of you."

I start picking up the mug's pieces and I hear her walk to her chair with her coffee.

" You never did accept it, didn't you?"

" What do you mean Spencer?"

I want to hit myself for going there, cause just the way she says my name make me feel so small.

"Never mind."

"No, Spencer go ahead what did you mean? That I never accept what?"

" Everything mom."

I say it in a calm voice, when really I feel like screaming.

" Look, the fact that you're blind is not your fault ok. I know that. Of course I find it hard. Really hard, but apparently we can't do anything about it. It hurts me to think that your future won't be what I hope for you."

She mention my future and I know she meant more than what she said.

" It's not my fault that I'm blind, but the rest it is, isn't mom?."

" What rest?"

"You know mom, come on."

"Your…lifestyle?"

I scoff. I know she hates it.

" You can't even say it."

It hurts. More than I though it would. But I guess that since the other night my wall are a little weaker. Which is a good thing, but it's only seems to be good when Ashley is around.

Because right now I feel like a toreador ready to be hurt so bad. Except that the toreador is suppose to be brave and confront the bull. But I'm not.

My walls use to protect me, even from what I felt. But when there is a crack in those walls its way harder to build them up again, because you taste how it was to let them down a bit.

" Why does it always have to come to that?"

" What!? I never talk about it! I had a girlfriend for almost a year mom! And when you learn who it was, you suddenly started to hate her. I tried to protect you so bad mom by not talking about her, or bring her to family dinner saying she couldn't come. I protect you so much that I forgot myself doing it."

I say the last part almost in a whisper. I say it more to myself than for her, but I know she heard it.

" What do you want from me?"

" Just say it"

" Fine. My daughter is gay. Do you feel better?" she sounds so arrogant. It saddens me more that she doesn't even try to listen to what I'm saying.

" I want you to mean it." I'm almost desperate at this point. "I'm not asking for understanding, just acceptance. I'm tired to hide this side of my life and to feel that I'm disappointing you every time you see a straight couple. It's never gonna be my life. And I'm fine with that, can you?"

" No Spencer, I can't do that."

She stand up. Put her mug in the sink and without any other words she just leave.

And I'm standing in the middle of my kitchen alone. Not really in shock about what happened and not really aware of it either.

I don't confronts my mom often. And I remember why. She makes me doubt everything.

I don't want to feel like this.

My phone put me out of my thoughts.

"Hello."

"Hey you."

Exactly what I needed. I hear the smile in her voice and I instantly feel better.

"How are you?"

"I'm good. You?"

" Good."

"Mm, convincing, what's wrong?"

"Just got into a fight with my mom, it's nothing."

"What about Thai food, tonight, your place?"

I don't need time to answer.

"Yeah of course."

"Good, see you then"

* * *

" Both girl were like full of blood and scratch, but they were still fighting over that fucking purse! Men people can get crazy! But then Mich arrived and you know how she is, she usually all sweet and caring but don't fuck with the woman! She told them to shut up and be tranquil or she would take care of that herself!"

I laugh so hard my belly hurt.

" I can sooo picture her acting like that!"

"That was scary let me tell you, you don't want to have anything to do with Devilish Mich."

This evening with her was exactly what I needed after the fight with my mom. She's entertaining me with crazy story that happened at the hospital.

I hear the doorbell ring. I walk to the door and open it.

"Hey little sis."

"Glen…"

Not that I'm not happy to see him. It's just that I'm with Ashley, you know, alone. And I would have like this to stay the same."

"We need to talk Spence."

Ok. Everybody knows that this line is never good.

"Ok, about what?"

He's already in my living room, and he doesn't answer me.

"Glen?"

" I see that you weren't alone. Care to introduce me to this…"

He got this voice, that sulfurous voice that he always use with girls.

I don't let him finish. I'm not gonna let him act like this with Ash.

" You wanted to talk Glen."

"Um right."

He clears his throat and by his change of tone I know it's serious.

"I went to see mom today…"

I should have known.

"I'm not talking about this with you"

"Spence, come on, mom was really upset. You should have seen her. You should just go apologize and everything will be fine again."

"Apologize for what exactly?And what if I don't want things to go back the way they were?"

"I though you two were good?"

"No Glen I'm tired to feel like I'm disappointing her, to have to hide a side of my life."

"You don't have to hide anything Spence."

" I had a girlfriend for almost a year, she met her but didn't want to see her again when she realize we were more than friends!"

"Kris?"

"Yeah who else? Even you weren't sure!"

" Look all I'm saying is that she's been through a lot ok? She don't need something else to deal with. It's not the good time, you were fine living that way for years, just keep doing it a little longer."

"It's never the good time and they will never have one. She always have something more important to deal with to not to have to face the fact! You talk like I'm putting her through hell."

"Whatever. Just go talk to her. Please. For what is left of our family."

"Fuck you Glen just leave now."

He didn't argue.

"Rough."

I almost forgot that she was here. Almost. She was witness of the whole scene then. Great.

I run my hands in my hair.

" Yeah, sorry you had to see this."

"Don't worry about it."

She goes in my kitchen and come back to hand me a beer. Could she be anymore perfect?

"Wanna talk about it?"

I tell her the whole fight scene with my mom. I'm surprise how easy it is to open up.

" Do you think it's possible to live without a mother?"

" It depends, I don't really see my mom anymore. She couldn't deal with the fact that my dad left her, but was still here for me. That he loved me more than her. She decides to make my life a living hell. When I realized that she was more bad for me than good, I decides to cut everything you know? She was destroying me, slowly. So yeah I think it's possible to live without a mother, but you have to be aware that it leaves scars, you have to choose what's worth the most. Having scars because your mom hurt you, or having some because she's not even near you."

" Wow, always having the right words."

"At your service ma'am"

There's a silence. Me thinking about my mom and Ash also seems deep in thoughts.

"You know what, I think we should go out tonight and have some fun, all that talking, it's really depressing."

"Um no, I don't think so."

"Why not? Come on it'll be fun." She say standing up.

I think she forgot something. I'm blind. It means that I don't see anything. I won't put myself in a place between a bunch of people without being able to see anything. People, with different scent, and standing too close. I'm scared that it would be too much.

" Ash, it's just not a good idea. I can't go in a club full of people. It's hard for me to go to the mall. Imagine in a jam packed club!"

" You don't need to see to dance, and I will be there. C-o-m-e o-n, please."

She sounds so cute. Like a child that really want something. It would annoy me, but its Ashley.

She pull my arms to try to make me stand up. But what she doesn't know is that I can be really stubborn when I want to.

* * *

So Yeah we're heading to the club. I know what I said. I just didn't realized that Ashley was this big of a competition on the stubbornness level. She obviously won telling me that she would be by my side all the time. (Who can't refuse that). She also said that if it become to much, with all the people and the music, we would simply leave.

The car stops so I know we're there. I'm stressed. I never been in a club since the accident.

Ashley takes my hand in hers and we walk towards the entrance.

I think it's the smell that hits me first. A not so enjoyable mix between sweat, alcohol and hundreds of different perfume. It doesn't smell really good.

The music is blasting, but it doesn't really disturb me, I'm still use to this.

I feel Ashley getting close to me. That's an advantage of being in a noisy place you need to get close to talk.

" Want something to drink?"

I just shake my head. I don't need the affect of the alcohol on top off all my senses being over solicited.

"let's go dance then!"

She seems pretty excited about this night and I find it kind of cute.

She pull me on the dance floor. She starts dancing. My hands still in hers so I know she's near.

I'm more reluctant. I'm not sure if I'm enjoying being surround by strangers that I can't even see.

I use to love to dance, I would have been the one to propose to go out and I would have been the first on the dance floor.

But it's all different now.

I let the music getting the best of me and I start moving slowly, almost shyly in pace with the rhythm.

_So I put my faith in something unknown_

_I'm living on such sweet nothing_

I looooove this song. It's just sooo good.

I get myself more into it. Letting everything go.

_But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold_

_I'm living on such sweet nothing_

I feel Ashley letting my hands go, and I suddenly feel really vulnerable and scared. She told me she wouldn't let me go.

"Ash…"

I feel hands on my waist. I panic. Ahsley probably move back to let someone dance with me, but I really don't feel comfortable with this idea. I put my hands over the one on my waist to try to get rid of it. But instead of letting me go the person intertwine our fingers.

I recognize those hands. I could recognize them among a hundreds.

I let out the breath that I was holding in. And relax.

Ashley is still here.

" I told you I wouldn't leave you. Trust me, I won't." She say right in my hear sending shiver down my spine.

I put my arms around her neck as she pull me closer to her. I can feel her body moving against mine. I can feel her hair on my hand and for the first time I realize that her hair is curly.

We dance in pace with each other.

Her face is so close to mine I can hear her breath. I feel it on my neck. Her scent is now the only one I can smell and it intoxicate me.

I feel her hands going higher in my back to come and brush my arms. She takes my hands in hers and pull away.

I'm disappointed. I want her body against mine again.

I thought that maybe I wasn't the only one to feel the energy between us. That I wasn't the only one to really enjoy the proximity.

This is ridiculous cause I don't even know if she's gay. I can't just assume it.

I feel myself being turn around. And those so familiar hands find their way to my waist again. She pull me toward her, but this time my back is to her front. She makes me move against her.

Maybe I was right, maybe I'm not the only one feeling it. Enjoying it.

I feel her face in the crook of my neck. It makes me smile. I close my eyes. We're grinding against each other.

And I'm starting to feel the butterflies getting excited in the pit of my stomach.

Her hands are getting higher on my side. She let her right hand slide on my stomach right below my breast. Goose bumps are covering my body. And my senses were never this awake.

I feel her lips softly brushing on my neck.

How I would like to see her right now. I'm craving it. Just by her touch I know how sexy she is, but damn imagine if I could land my eyes on her.

Her right hand continue to explore my body tracing my abs. My body tense and I wonder if she feels it.

Her touch is so soft. It's almost unbearable.

Both of her hands find their initial place and I miss the warmth on my stomach. I'm glad though cause I'm scared that it will have become too much.

The break don't last long because she let her thumbs rubbing on the little skin between my jeans and shirt. It makes my skin go on fire. Well my whole body is already on fire. Like I could explode anytime soon. Her touch almost hurts. But it hurts so good. I don't understand how a simple touch can almost send me over the edge. What does she do to me.

At this point, I'm torn between really liking it, which I do, and being overwhelmed.

There's this sort of magnet between us which is hard for me to stand.

Her hand start going higher on my stomach, but this time under my shirt. She don't have the time to go really high cause that's when it click.

I feel her touch all over me, her lips on my neck. I smell her wonderful scent. I'm intoxicate by her. I'm surrounded by her. I feel her close, to close, but not enough at the same time. I can't breath properly. It's a question of time before I blow up from all those mixed feelings. Its simply unsustainable.

I turn myself in her arms, her hands resting on the small of my back.

I let my face go in the crook of her neck enjoying one last time the proximity. Because as much as I love it, it's just too much to a point where it's painful. It's like she's leaving a trail of acid on my skin.

" I need to go out, we need to leave."

She doesn't answer. She takes my hand and lead me to the exit.

The fresh air hits my face and I take a long breath. She softly rub my back but I flinch. It's burning me.

I can feel that she's suddenly uncomfortable.

I walk toward the wall and let myself lean on it. My eyes are shut tight. My body hurt. I feel numb.

"I'm sorry, It wasn't a good idea."

I don't want her to think that she crossed a line. I would have let her go way further, but right now I know I can't take it anymore. Her touch is just too much to bear. She's is too much. The overwhelmed overpower the rest.

" It was all too much you know the music, the people around and the smell. Just too much."

It's an half lie. It was too much, just not because of everyone, but only because of her. But how do you say to someone that it's hard for you to breath when they stand too close. That their touch is only too much.

She has such a power on me and I'm really scare by it. How a person can make you feel this alive, make you want to completely surrender to them. That's exactly how I feel and it's frightening.

* * *

What do you think? Also, what about an eventual Ashley's POV?

Song: Sweet nothing by Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch


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